I don’t know a lot about Catholicism because I’m not really into religion but I do know that Jesus wasn’t into religion either and yet the Catholic Church is the world’s oldest and largest international institution to ever exist. What I mean is that it’s a pretty damn powerful operation that was built by the people who killed Him, so I don’t think we should trust it because it doesn’t really seem like His thing.

Now I know what you’re thinking. A Christian that’s not into the Church? It’s like I’m not allowed to exist, except that I do.

I understand how hard it is to believe that the Vatican has been quietly stealing gold for hundreds of years which they used to establish both the modern university and medical systems under the guise of “humanitarianism” despite the fact that they’ve been denying humans the secret to happiness for over 2,000 years but, that’s what they did.

Eventually, you just have to realize that if ignorance is bliss and heaven exists after we die then there is no point in being smart and healthy if it means that people aren’t taught about how to be happy (unless of course, it’s to facilitate the trading of money for the forgiveness of sins).

Don’t you think that after all this time the world would be in a much better place if the Vatican actually cared about people? Wouldn’t life be like heaven on earth if the Church was really doing its job? The answer is yes, if it wasn’t the front for a fraud.

Ever heard of the Holy Grail? Well, guess what…it’s me. I’m the secret to happiness that the Church has stashed away in their basement that they keep acting like they’re trying to find.

It’s like, “Hey Catholic people, where’d all the happiness go?”

And the Vatican is just like, “Ohh, umm happiness? No, you don’t get to have that here. We’re saving it for later. Happiness is not for THIS life, it’s for AFTER life.”

Meanwhile, normal people are looking around at each other going, “I don’t know, that sounds kinda weird and there’s a lot of people around here suffering for no good reason while these wise guys are sipping wine out of golden chalices, so I don’t know how I feel about all this “christian” stuff.”

But then I pop out of nowhere, kick down the door and fire a shot from my glitter gun into the air like, *BANG!* POOF! “ALRIGHT EVERYBODY, FREEZE! My name is Special Agent Felicity from the Spiritual Department of Happiness and I work undercover for God! Put your hands up!” And then I flip open my professional bullshit detector badge and start flashing it around the room.

And then Vatican throw its hands-up like, “Whoa, whoa… hey Felicity. What-uh….what are you doing here? We…..we thought you were supposed to be in Heaven.”

Knowing full well that it they’re full of shit, I tuck my glitter gun into the back of my pants and walk right up to the Vatican and say, “in Heaven? I AM Heaven,” as I snatch a truth bomb out of my holster, yank the pin out with my teeth and then throw it against the wall. *BOOM!*

There’s glitter everywhere again as I start marching around in my flip-flops and yoga pants like, “That’s right I AM Heaven, also known as the Holy Spirit and I’ve been here the WHOOOOLE time just watching youuuu, waiting for youuuu and trying to see if you would ever do the right thing, but you DIDN’T! You never did! You DIDN’T DO THE RIGHT THING after ALL THESE YEARS and I’ve HAD IT! It’s time for you to PAY for telling the whole world that I was a MALE!

Now, at this point the Vatican can barely speak. It doesn’t know what to say so it’s just coughing and blinking its eyes, trying to wipe the glitter off of its tongue until it finally gathers enough composure to speak up and say, “What, *puh,* what do you want from us, Felicity? You’re not *gulp,* …. you’re not going to send us to….”

“To hell?” I cut in, “No. That’s not how it works. You send yourself to hell, I’m just here to collect the outstanding debt that your Church owes humanity.”

Now, even though the Vatican knows the gig is up, it still tries to play dumb like, “Outstanding debt? What do you mean outstanding debt?” So that’s when I rip my jacket wide open to reveal that I’m not interested in screwing around because I am fully strapped with professional-grade fireworks and ready to sacrifice myself in an explosion of glory that the whole world would see. Then I grab the Vatican around the neck with my glitter gun at its temple and snarl, “You know what I MEAN! GIVE ME ALL THE HAPPINESS BACK!”

*POOF*

Instead of blowing myself up I just hit the Vatican with another puff of sparkles right to the side of the head.

So reluctantly the Vatican goes downstairs defeated and covered in glitter to start bagging up all of God’s happiness and oddly comes back up with a bunch of little boys and girls and that’s when my character breaks like, “HOLY CRAP! What is this all about? This isn’t CHRISTIANITY, these are KIDS! Where is the GOLD?” And the Vatican is confused like, “What? Oh, you meant the GOLD?”

And I’m just like, “YES I meant the GOLD , but give me the kids, too! Where are the boys? Go get the boys!”

And all I can do is think, “Oh my God, how am I supposed to write a story about how the Vatican is actually controlled by an elite group of satanic pedophiles that abuse children for their own sadistic version of happiness? This is not even a little bit funny so I really hope it’s not true.”