I was being socially awkward and I knew it, but I didn’t care. My life was on the line and I needed to feel like I had some sort of control. That’s what happens when you get told that you have cancer at thirty—your life starts losing the plot.

It all happened so fast and I didn’t want to just be a number, I wanted him to know me as a person. Caitlin. An extra-neurotic, unusually intellectual and delightfully quirky young woman who needed to remain in this world.

“Dr. Harrison seems a little too robo-cold and rehearsed, I need to loosen him up a little. You know, get him a little more personally invested in me than I bet he usually is.”
“What are you talking about Caitlin?” This was my ex who was always dull and unimpressed with my neurosis.

“I need to stand out from all the other patients somehow, you know? I want him to bring his A-game in there. He already told me that he would have bet money on my not needing to have a second surgery but he was wrong, so I’m a little bit on the fence about this guy. It doesn’t seem like luck is on his side right now so I just want to blow on the dice for him a little bit.”

“Caitlin, you’ll be fine.”
“No, I’m serious. I keep asking him med school-level questions that normal patients don’t ask so I think he feels like I don’t trust him and I need to do something about it. You know, make him think I’m an extra good person so that he actually cares…”
“You mean, you need to make sure that he likes you?”

“YES, but without being too over the top because I’ve already annoyed him enough. He’s a guy so obviously I can’t give him flowers. What if I got a big muffin basket or something and filled it with snacks so he could share it with all the nurses? Is that a good idea? Will that make him like me?”

By this time, I was already in a conversation all by myself going back and forth about what I should bring. A doctor mug? A bottle of wine? I don’t think doctor’s drink, should I get him a gift card? To where? He’s a surgeon so he’s probably already rich….and then suddenly the best idea came to me…

….I would get him a PLANT! 

Everybody loves a good office plant and they are a great gift because they don’t die, which was sort of the whole theme for what I was going for so I pulled out my phone and typed into the search field, “Plants that mean good luck,” and voila, there it was.  The first item up was a Money Tree.  SOLD!

I ran to the Home Depot, picked out the tree and carefully replanted it into a manly gray pot. It was perfect.

When the day of my pre-operative appointment finally came, I tucked my perfect present into a large Nordstrom bag to discreetly smuggle it into the hospital (not because it was illegal, but because it was a surprise).
When I got to the office, I sat down and placed the bag on the ground, anxiously awaiting the exchange. What would he say? Will I be awkward? This guy already thinks I’m insane but at least I’ll stand out!

After a gentle knock at the door, he stepped in to greet me, shook my hand and just as he pulled away to ask how I was, I noticed his eyes shift to the bag with the green pointed leaves peeking out—then back to me. 

“I got you a present…” I said proudly as I reached for the bag.

“Is that a marijuana plant?” he asked.

My cheeks flared.

“What? No. It’s a Money Tree—for good luck. I got it to say thank you for saving me.” 
And that was it. Mission Accomplished.  I had officially cemented myself in his mind. I was now Marijuana Plant in the Hospital Girl.

Just when I thought I had gained control of the narrative, I got a plot twist instead.

I walked out of the office that day, a little embarrassed but mostly amused, imagining him going home and telling his wife that he thought his craziest patient had brought a marijuana plant into the hospital for him. To this day, that plant still sits in the office and maybe the real moral of the story is this: if my doctor couldn’t tell the difference between a pot plant and a money tree, then maybe that was the good luck I was after, after all.